How to Restore Connection in Your Closest Relationships

I’m thrilled to delve into a topic that holds immense significance for all of us: intimate relationships. Our Masterclass Series, titled “The Way of Connection,” focuses on the profound connections we share with those closest to us—our partners, best friends, and family.

The Importance of Intimacy

In our first Masterclass, we explored everyday relationships—those interactions that touch our lives just outside our inner circle. Now, we’re diving deeper into the heart of our most significant connections. Think about the people you hold dear. Whether it’s your spouse, a lifelong friend, or a trusted business partner, these relationships deserve our attention and care.

Inevitably, when disconnection happens in these most important relationships, it leaves us feeling hurt, confused, and lonely. The Enneagram offers tremendous insight into these disconnections and how to get back on track, together.

Why We Disconnect: The Core Differences

At the heart of many relationship issues are core differences.  Using the Enneagram as our guiding framework, we’ll explore five core differences that lead to disconnection and how understanding these can help us reconnect with our loved ones.

Triads:

Are you dominant in thinking, feeling, or doing? Understanding where you and your partner fall within these categories can illuminate why you may approach situations differently. For instance, a thinker (like an Enneagram 5, 6, or 7) processes information logically, while a doer (like an 8, 9, or 1) acts on instinct. When a thinker and a doer are in the same room, misunderstandings can arise simply from these differing approaches.

Triads in action…

Consider a couple where one partner is a thinker and the other is a feeler. The thinker may prioritize logic and facts during discussions, while the feeler seeks emotional resonance. This fundamental difference can lead to frustration, with each partner feeling unheard.

Stances:

This refers to which triad (thinking, feeling, doing) is repressed in each partner. For example, if one partner is repressed in feeling, they might struggle to connect emotionally, leading to tension during critical conversations. If someone is thinking repressed, they may struggle with being reasonable and unbiased. A doing repressed partner may find themselves paralyzed and unable to engage in conflict resolution.

Stances in action…

At work, a doing repressed person given a last minute task is going to feel extra stress and frustration. A feeling repressed person may not see the reason for this stress and strive to compete the task. A thinking repressed person will struggle to analyze data objectively and often jumps to conclusions based on personal feelings rather than the facts presented.

Core Emotions:

Each Enneagram type has a dominant emotional lens—anger for 8s, 9s, and 1s; fear for 5s, 6s, and 7s; and sadness or shame for 2s, 3s, and 4s. Recognizing these core emotions in yourself and your partner is crucial. For instance, when one partner is approaching a situation from a place of fear and the other from sadness, the disconnect can be profound.

Core Emotions in action…

In parenting, the core emotions can create friction. If one parent is focused on fear (worried about rules and boundaries) and the other on sadness (feeling overwhelmed and craving intimacy), they may struggle to present a united front. Recognizing these emotional drivers can help partners better support each other.

Time Orientation:

Are you future-oriented, present-focused, or looking to the past? This perspective shapes how you respond to plans and events, sometimes leading to frustration if partners are not aligned in their time focus.

Time Orientation in action…

On vacation, a future-oriented person will likely be planning their next vacation. This can be hard for present-focused companions who live in the moment of now. Past-focused vacationers may reminisce how this compares to vacations in the past and miss out on new opportunities in front of them.

Instinct Stacking:

Each person has three instincts—self-preservation, social, and one-to-one (or sexual)—and they can stack in various ways. For example, a socially dominant partner may crave connection in group settings, while a self-preserving partner may seek quiet and solitude. This difference can lead to misunderstandings when planning social activities.

Instinct Stacking in action…

Be cautious of disconnect where instincts come to play, especially on a date or making plans. A social dominant person has a “more the merrier” outlook and will happily include others in a “date night”. If the social person’s partner is one-to-one, they will not appreciate the added company, and may feel slighted. Finding compromise when making plans and understanding what your partner needs, will help with this disconnect.

Moving Toward Connection

To mend these disconnects, the first step is awareness. Reflect on your own Enneagram type and consider how it influences your interactions. Discuss these dynamics with your partner or close friends, and explore how understanding your differences can foster a stronger bond.

Here are some reflection questions that you may find helpful…

• Which center of intelligence (triad) do each of you operate from? How can knowing this help you communicate better?
• Which (triad) area are each of you repressed and how can you help each other activate that area?
• Knowing each of your core emotions, how can you show up for each other in an emotional setting that will provide connection?
• When making plans, it is helpful to know each other’s time orientation. Where do each of you fall in time orientation? How can you better navigate planning together?
• Navigating social events with different instincts can present challenges. What are your instincts and how can you show up for each other in those settings? What misunderstanding have there been from not having the understanding of these instincts?

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